Q: I’m very concerned about my mom being in assisted-living. I think we should bring her home. My husband and kids agree, but my sister is adamantly opposed to it. She thinks because I have three kids, and because Joe and I go to the grocery store and pick-up take out, that our house is not safe. I tell her we are all otherwise shut down and we use precautions, but she will not be persuaded. It’s put a major wedge between us. I’m very afraid of my mom catching this disease and I’m also afraid that whether she’s at her place or our house, if she does get sick my sister and my relationship might not survive it.
A: We all have a lot to process right now with the Covid-19 pandemic and your worries are clearly multi-generational too. Add sibling discord to the mix and it must feel unmanageable. According to KP’s Transformational Mediation Coach, Cherie Morris, it is not uncommon for family conflict to explode when difficult circumstances already exist. Her approach to this kind of family systems issue is to try and separate all of the interwoven threads that, over time, may have created the existing knot of anxiety and conflict.
In this case, Cherie says it seems as though you and your sister are at odds over what may be based on very good instincts to take care of mom. You both want what’s best for her but disagree about what that looks like right now. It may help to take a step back from the specific plan both of you have for mom and talk to her first if that’s an option.
• What does mom want right now?
• Does she feel safe and well and have a good way to communicate with others?
It could be that your own understandable anxiety about the pandemic is informing what you think mom needs. If mom is expressing anxiety about the situation and/or you have real concerns about her facility, you need to share that information with your sister perhaps without suggesting a particular solution. Talking about it with her, in a neutral way, without telling your sister what you think is best, may help both of you see that you share more in common in wanting to take care of mom than you thought. Be open to hear what your sister thinks too.
If you still find yourself at odds with your sister in this very difficult situation, it may be time to ask for support from a professional. Cherie Morris works with individuals, couples and families to shift what may seem like insurmountable conflict by creating a neutral space for listening and suggesting tools to use, right now, that may change your mindset and the framework for your decision-making.
Reach out to talk to Cherie today at: cmorris@kentlandspsychotherapy.com or call her at 240.252.3349 Ext. 812. You don’t have to carry the weight of your world alone. See what a difference transformational mediation and coaching can make for you and your family. You may see a stronger relationship emerge and feel much closer to your sister if you take the time to do this work now.
