From a reader asking about how to talk about race and social justice as a white person in a predominantly white community.
Q: My Facebook feed has been filled with talk about race these days. It’s an important issue and I feel an obligation to weigh in and not stay silent. But I also don’t want to get it wrong, cause more pain, or create bad feelings with my neighbors on either side of this issue. The Lakelands is a small community. Although I want to help move social justice efforts forward, I also selfishly don’t want to be attacked or misunderstood.
A: Your trepidation is understandable. We live in a society that remains racist. Because of it, there has been a lot pain expressed lately. We commend you for wanting to be part of the solution. A critical component to solving any problem is to name it, to speak up, and to have your voice heard. From a psychological perspective, we must understanding how our feelings of shame and defensiveness sabotage our efforts to face this moment and do better. Too often, silence perpetuates abuse. Whether it be at the family or societal level. When we see things in ourselves that we don’t like, our reaction is to say “not me.” In our family systems, this is usually what causes parents to deny their partner’s abuse of their child. “I didn’t know” is the painful refrain of the culpable parent who took no action. In couples or in friendships, “You’re too sensitive” or “You do it too” is a common defense when one who feels attacked or ashamed of a behavior they’re being “called out on.”
The problem is, defensiveness damages and often destroys relationships. Acclaimed couples researcher, John Gottman, named defensiveness as one of his Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (the 4 behaviors most predictive of divorce). Take this opportunity to listen to the voices of communities who have been hurt. When you speak, speak from the heart, with compassion, humility, and determination to be part of the solution. Then resist that very natural temptation to respond to others with defensiveness. You can do this.
Elizabeth Carr, PsyD, is the Founder of Kentlands Psychotherapy, LLC, a boutique, family friendly, mental health psychotherapy practice in Gaithersburg MD. Reprinted with permission from the Lakelands Leader, Gaithersburg, MD.
