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Q: I’m a college freshman and my newly divorced parents are fighting over who gets me during the holidays. Both want me to stay with them when I’m home, and are demanding I choose. It puts me in a bad situation that leaves me with a stressful decision . The worst part is that no matter what decision I make, someone will be hurt. What should I do?
First, I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulty. Having divorced parents argue about who “gets you” during holidays and your school breaks is tough and it can be even harder when the pressure of a decision regarding both of them is placed on your shoulders.
The first step would be to calm your nerves so you can trust yourself to make the best decision. This means, perhaps, you have a place to feel supported and validated, either in coaching or therapeutically. If your parents have this high degree of conflict, and are putting you in this position now, I suspect this isn’t new to you. The difference, now, is that as a young adult they are putting more pressure on you to decide between them which can feel terrible.
You should have a soft place to land to talk about your feelings and understand the impact of their behavior upon you. As a college student, you still likely feel very dependent upon them, for tuition and perhaps emotionally, too. You need and deserve your own support.
I think it may be too much to ask of you, as a college student, to negotiate boundaries about where you stay directly with your parents. Ask them to engage a parent coach or co-parent coach, to help them talk with each other and you, to do better. It is important that you stay engaged with both of your parents, whom you love, and not be made to feel you have to choose. Although you are an adult now, it is still their job to negotiate this important piece and learn how to talk about this in a supportive way on your behalf. You might ask them to meet with you together because it’s important to you. If they won’t agree, share the resources you have found with each of them and tell them why you need help with this. I hope this helps and make sure you get support for you. That is most critical here as you process your parents’ divorce and create the ability to communicate effectively with them as a young adult too
Cherie Morris, J.D, CDC is a mediator, parent coordinator, and coach dedicated to de-escalating conflicts for individuals, couples, co-parents, and others too. Reach out today to see if she can support your needs. You can reach her at coach@recompose.us.
